“What just happened?” My immediate thoughts. My back felt like it was going to give out then and there. I had just reached the top of the hill and immediately felt pain in my lower back. That same morning I had my morning workout, nothing new. Simple exercises I had done before. Was feeling great all day until I jogged up the hill at work. What surprised me was that I didn’t even sprint up the hill, it was a simple light jog up. The pain would get worse. I could not sit a certain way and every step I took I felt like every muscle in my back was somehow going to bring me to the floor. I had to suck it up because my athletes had a soccer game that evening. I was doing the best I could and did my best until I got home. Once I got home it got worse. I could not stand straight up on my own. I would lay on my back and put my feet up on a chair and maybe relief some pain but it was a bad idea. I was stuck and couldn’t get up. I called my sister and told her to help me up. Poor her. She weighs way less than me. Lol but she tried. It would take me a while to get up. I was so uncomfortable that every position I tried to be in whether it was sitting, standing or laying down would bring me in pain and agony. Take me to the ER were my only words to my brother. The walk to the car was the worse. I held my tears. Got the the hospital and all they gave me was Motrin and on my way home I was.No tests were done. No sleep that night because the Motrin and Tylenol did NOTHING. Called in to work the next day and went back to the ER(different place) the next morning . The pain got even worse. They ran tests and gave me meds that would help but not take the pain away completely. Back spasms, sciatic pain at it’s worse and other things they found was the conclusions of my pain. X-rays of back were good. Blood work was good. No work until next Tuesday for me. You can only imagine the frustration I have of not being able to do anything. You start to appreciate the little things. I can’t even put on my shoes or tie them. My mom and sister have had to help me. Little by little I can walk on my own without having to grab on to something. The meds have helped tremendously but as soon as they ware off the pain comes back. I miss the gym and my workouts. I have been doing so well lately. Cutting my time from 38 minutes to 31-32 for my three mile run. I’ve seen results by losing more than 25 pounds. And it’s frustrating not being able to be out there getting better and improving. I know it’s a small setback or maybe a lesson to slow down and rest my body and take it day by day….

Because of you

Today was a pretty laid back day just like Sunday’s should be. I woke up well rested with the time change and went to the gym despite being super sore from CrossFit yesterday. I didn’t workout but I did shoot the basketball for a while. Although it was a good day the memories come back here and there. Those memories that you want put away because it hurts. So writing helps….

I thought it wouldn’t affect me as much as I thought it would then way you left. We eventually learn how to deal and understand as much as we can. What has affected me is how you left. That is what I feel was messed up. I see it has affected on how I date or helping others like I use to. I feel and notice the lack of interest I have to make someone wanted or cared about. Before I would make it noticeable to reach out and help anyone having a bad day or problem. Now I simply wish them a better day without wanting to listen. The lack of taking time to see what’s going on. The lack of interest to know. I was left emotionally drained. I lose interest easily with people I potentially feel a connection with. People say it’s “OK” to feel this way especially after a breakup so I’m just letting time do it’s work.

I put so much of me out for you without wanting anything in return. I waited for you knowing the risks. I stayed positive despite all of the odds in front of us….

Because of you my heart is less open. I have the highest wall now than when I met you. I’m less positive of the kindness out there. I feel like no one these days wants the small little things that make people happy. We search for so much without knowing what’s in front. I now know people change and feelings change. I know that when it happens people will get hurt, but I also know that with that hurt change is inevitable. It will happen, even if we don’t want it. So as my journey continues in this world I can only count on myself to make the inevitable the best I can. I’ll probably meet more people like you. I’ll probably meet less people like you. I don’t know. What I do know is the only person I have is myself to continue moving forward. I’m tired of giving everything I have and putting my part and effort only to see it gone. I’m tired of having a big heart. I think that’s why I feel emotionally exhausted.

As time goes on things are getting better though. I push through and smile as big as I can. The little things are there to remind me of what is important. To remind me one how to feed the soul. To remind me how to live.

Because of you….I wait patiently for someone who will have the opportunity to appreciate what you thought had to end……